Dear Adoption

Dear Adoption,

We need to talk.

There's so much I've been needing to tell you. So much will be exactly what you want to hear, and some..well, please take a seat.

My feelings for you have changed over the years, especially over the past year or so since we completed our adoption.

You see, I absolutely adore you. I LOVE you. I'm beyond thankful for you. You afterall gave us our son. You've given so many children families, and so many families children. How could I not love you??

You're redemption.

You're hope.

You're love.

You take ashes and create beauty as we all like to say.

You edify and exemplify the Gospel in many ways.

You provide much needed medical care. Much needed stimulation. Education. And more.

You make orphans sons and daughters. 

B..but...you're also brokenness. 

I despise you for creating yet another trauma and loss in our son's life.

I despise that you're an option AT ALL; that children can't stay with their birth families.

I despise that you sometimes rip children from their birth countries, cultures, and from all they've ever known.

I despise that wicked people have taken advantage of you and have even coerced and tricked birth families to hand over their children.

I despise the hurt and confusion you will always cause for our son and many other adoptees.

I despise that your so called "beneficiaries" are the same ones that are also teased about you, looked at differently because of you, have ridiculous expectations because of you, and even become pawns for "heroic" and "feel good" storylines in so many tv shows and movies because of you.


I despise that sometimes no matter how hard you try, you're ultimately NOT enough. Nor will you ever be.

I despise your unknowns. Unknown family histories. Unknown medical histories. Unknown milestones. Unknown birthdates and even ages.

I despise people can't automatically recognize you. When I'm asked if I'm his "real" parent.

I despise when you fail. When parents go to adopt their children and come back empty handed. Or when a child is lovingly welcomed into one home, only to be sent to another months or even years later.

I also despise that unfortunately, I reflect you.

I adore you. Yet I can't stand you.

It isn't right that I get to hold and love on a little boy that rightfully should've remained in his birthparents' arms.

You see, you confuse me, Adoption. You're so incredibly complex. You're so incredibly beautiful, yet so incredibly..ugly. 

How can I love my son more than life itself, yet also wish he could've stayed with his birthfamily in his birthcountry?? I know you want me to just be thankful for my son and look past that "little" fact...but I can't. I. Just. Can't. Especially when my son may never look past it, and my heart never will either.

How do I look past all these things, Adoption?? How can I forgive the pain you've caused? Can you please tell me? You were so good at telling me all the good things as I grew up wanting to adopt one day, but where were you to tell me all the hard and ugly truths about yourself?? You're so good at putting on this facade. You're quite two-faced, though only wanting to show one side. You're quite the Jekyll and Hyde.

Yet, I adore you. I always will. I hope to even pursue you again, despite knowing your ugly side.

I love you, yet I hate you Adoption. I can't live with you in ways, yet I certainly can't live without you. Our relationship will always be confusing, but it is just what it is.

My ultimate prayer?? That you will go easier on our son. On all the other victims of yours. Spare him and their your hurt. Your pain. Your grief. Your loss. I know that's not possible, but please, Adoption..at least try. I love this lil person so much it hurts to think of the hurt you will cause him throughout his life, which will undeniably be even more than you've caused me. With that said though, I still have hope in you, and I cling to that.

Until we talk and even meet again, Adoption..